Feeling Alive, and Also Not So Much

A few posts ago I mentioned that I was just beginning to feel that I’ve woken up from a long slumber. I’ve been writing alot, both this blog and also working on one of my books. I’ve also started using Duolingo again. Duolingo is a free program very similar to Rosetta Stone that uses pictures and repitition to teach you a language, in my case Spanish which I’ve been trying to learn for years.

I’ve for the most part stopped watching as much TV as I used to, although I’m still going to watch movies, I’ve been reading again, and I even started doing some exercise at home using Youtube on my smartTV. Last night I did some stretching exercises and today I did an upper body workout followed by a little beginner video on thai chi. So with all that going on I’m starting to feel like my brain is firing more (part of this also might have to do with the fact that I’ve spent less time at Lou’s Tavern, the local bar).

However with all of these good things it’s hard to stop some of the old thoughts from creeping in. But that may be my fault … the movie I chose to watch was Into the Wild. The movie took me three nights to watch as it’s very long. I have to say it was a pretty good attempt at capturing the awesome book and I really dug the music by eddie vedder of Pearl Jam.  The book I chose to read was “tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom (I plan on writing a review of this tomorrow night after I let it sink into my subconsious more). Both of these choices, coincidentally, have to do with death. I didn’t particularly think too much about it, except reading Morrie outside on the patio while smoking made me take pause, until I spoke to my dad tonight.

He mentioned that tomorrow would have been my mother and his anniversary, and that the next day, the day I leave for Lake Erie with the kids to meet Lonnie and Schutz and their families, would have been my mother’s birthday. As soon as my father started to utter the words I realized that, even though I’d been immersed in two separate topics about death, these two facts about my mother hadn’t occured to me. On normal days I think of my mom often, and once in a while, maybe once or twice a week, the feelings of loss threaten to completely overwhelm me and I have to push them deep down. But ever since my father mentioned their anniversary and her birthday tonight, I can’t seem to shake off the thoughts of my mother and how much I miss her.